Early in my association career, I worked for an executive director who used bullying to put fear in me about my work and job safety. I was young, and it worked; I was afraid. I needed my job, so I took the abuse, even though it was detrimental to my mental health.

Years later, I had another boss with a similar management style. I put up with the behavior for a while, but after a meeting where I was humiliated in front of coworkers, I knew something had to change. Although I still needed my paycheck, I was no longer comfortable being ruled by fear.

No one should feel uncomfortable at work but when the harassment is coming from your boss, it’s important to tread carefully. Since this was the second time, I thought through what steps I needed to take to get back some semblance of normality. These steps can be useful for anyone who is being harassed at work.

Step One: Analyze the Situation

I had such a negative physical reaction the second time I was harassed that I sat in my car, wanting to both throw up and shake at the same time. It was a natural reaction to fear, but not something that was sustainable if I wanted to continue to be effective at work.

Step Two: Evaluate Options

I could quit or stand up for myself and address the issue head on. Since I had worked hard to get to where I was, I did not want to take a step backward professionally or financially.

We are not taught how to stick up for ourselves. We typically learn by practice, assuming we have the nerve to confront our bosses. I thought about what mattered most to me and what outcome I wanted. I considered different paths because I didn’t know how my boss would respond and if my boss was open to hearing my feedback.

I decided to have a conversation with my boss about the meeting, let my boss know how it had come across, and that it was challenging to continue to be professional when I was not treated professionally. I prepared carefully for the meeting because the outcome would affect our working relationship and whether or not I stayed at the organization. Difficult conversations are one thing but having to speak to a verbally abusive superior brought this to a whole new level.

Step Three: Involve HR

I asked for an HR representative to be in the meeting. I wanted a witness to the conversation, and I wanted the conversation documented, in case there were negative consequences for me professionally. It was helpful to know someone else was there, even if they said nothing. Including HR also showed I was taking this conversation very seriously and so should my boss. 

Step Four: Act and Evaluate Outcomes

In retrospect, the conversation was strange. My boss seemed caught off guard, even though the meeting request included what I planned to discuss. There were several outcomes from that meeting. To begin, my boss did apologize. Second, my boss could not ignore his unprofessional behavior because I would not allow it. Third, I was able to stick up for myself and express my disappointment with my boss so we could either move forward or I could move on.

In the end, I got the best outcome available. I expressed my fear and disappointment without being unreasonable or unprofessional. Both are very important to me because the only bad conversation is the one you never have. I felt empowered by my bravery, and my relationship with my boss improved because there was newfound respect. So, make sure you remember that you can control the dialogue and the outcome, but remain professional and never sink to a level unworthy of your own standards.

The old adage, “if at first you don’t succeed, try again,” should also be kept in mind. I believe I reached the best possible outcome from the conversation, but that might not be the case for everyone. If this happens, go back to step two and reevaluate your options. Seek additional counsel from friends, colleagues, and a lawyer, if helpful. Don’t give up. You will succeed in one way or another.